I survived day number five. As I stumble into day number six I am moody and irritable. I could have a serious case of road rage in about five seconds if provoked and I have the worst case of gas I have ever had in my entire life. At this point I don't know if I want to hit someone, or just fart, or both, while at the same time feeding my face with multitudes of food that are neither healthy or even remotely tasty.
Can someone tell me please how on earth did I let myself loose control of my life? I can be a total control freak. I have a clean house, I am a perfectionist to the n'th degree, a workaholic and an all around kinda guy. Yet here I am now 41 years old and I am a slave to this addiction? How did it get so bad? What did I ever do to deserve this?
Smoking for me was always my way of isolating myself, retreating from the real world. Even when I was just a kid. I started smoking at age nine. I remember walking into the store and buying the cigarettes, the clerk never even asked who they were for. I hid them in a safe place and when I walked to school I would hide and smoke them. Camels. Gold packaging I remember exactly what they looked like. If I try really hard I can even smell them.
Neither one of my parents smoked, both of them really disliked smoking in general. My father especially. Mom was more open to it and when I had my own job she let me smoke at age sixteen in front of her. She should have kicked my tail and beat the crap out of me, but she didn't. If I wanted to smoke she was not going to stop me. I even talked her into getting me a "smoking permit" in High School so that I could smoke on School Grounds back in the late 80's. I am sure that practice is long gone but looking back on it I can see now just how terrible it was to have a policy that allowed teenagers to smoke at school.
When the parental units were divorced, smoking became for me, a way to get in my own head and to withdraw from the world around me. It was my neverland, my far, far, away. Then it evolved into this part of my life where it literally started sucking the life out of me. After 26 years of being a regular smoker it really began sapping the very life out of me one puff at a time. I can hear it calling me right now just like I am a kid all over again, that evil, vile little voice in the back of my head, lying to me and telling me how it will be there for me when no one else will be.
Not on this day. I would rather be lonely here at dark thirty in the morning rather than give into that little voice. I want a life that does not consist of hacking and coughing anymore. I want to taste food and life and participate in a world that accepts me. Smoking is not acceptable anymore. I am tired of being unacceptable. I want to be a part of the club again. It is high time that I stopped isolating myself.
So here it is now 4:39 am and I am battling insomnia. I hear that little voice calling in the back of my head tempting me to drive to the store for a pack of smokes. I am tempted but until that little voice can pry my ass out of bed then I won't give in. Till the urge passes I plan to just keep telling that little voice to pull my finger.
11 comments:
Oh Rick... I am so glad that you are hanging in there and that you wrote this post.
I was thinking of you earlier and wondering how it was going. I would be thinking of you anyway, but I was in the basement as I had to get a load of laundry started. The basement is the place that my husband goes to for smoking.
*sigh*
I really want to print this post out for him - he won't read a blog. Plus then he'd see this comment! Seriously, I think that your words will resonate with him at a very deep level.
My husband used to have a girlfriend in college who smoked. He asked her to quit and she lied about it. Of course he knew- duh, as if toothpaste and mints could cover it up. He loved her so much, he did not berate her. One day he gently let her know that he knew she was lying, but that he still loved her anyway.
That moment changed her life and she quit right there and then. A year after college ended, she broke up with him. The first sign that it was coming was that she started smoking again. (She quit again a few years later and never looked back.)
After the breakup in 1980 he moved to a new city and began to smoke. He still does.
I am the original girlfriend.
Sorry to go on so long - your words about retreating to a place and that smoking was something that seemed like it would always be there for you may be what he needs to read. He can't even quit this monster for his 13 y.o. who truly hates smoking and gets so upset over it and this man would do anything for her.
Keep at it Rick. You are being very strong and approaching it one day at a time, the only way to do it. I cheer you on from here!
Thanks Fran for your beautiful words and for sharing your story with me. I can only battle this one day at a time. It really helps to know that I have people cheering me on. Thankyou, thankyou thankyou!
In my case that started 01 Jan 2009, I double patched for the first weeks. 21 + 7 mg. From that, I went to the regular 21, and on down. It took some three months, but I got there.
It was a hellish ride. The patches promote vivid, and I do mean vivid, dreams. My sleep was disturbed for two seasons.
Yet, I remain smoke-free.
My motivation was two-fold. One is the sheer price of smokes now, even in NC. The other is being the pariah every. Not to mention the smoke-free airports and planes.
I was at three packs a day. going ten hours without a smoke while traveling was treacherous.
Hang in there, dude. It's worth the trouble.
Rick,
I've known several people who managed to kick the habit.
It's a tough one and often takes more than a few tries to be successful. I've read articles that say kicking cigarettes is harder than heroin.
Have you enlisted your doctor? I see lots of ads on TV about meds that can help you, too. Good luck. I know you can do it.
Best of luck on the smoke free path my friend.
Thanks everybody for the encouragement and kind words. Yes I have discussed this with my doc. I have previously tried both Chantix and Zyban, Zyban made me to sedate and Chantix made me want to slit my wrists.
This time I am using the patch in conjunction with the gum. I am also using an electronic cig for those moments when I have the overwhelming urge for a real cig that will not seem to go away. I know they are not FDA approved but it does seem to passify my craving for a real cig.
I am going to use the patches according to the recommendations on the carton and will eventually ween myself off of all of these items as I feel stronger emotionally and once I think I am ready.
Heroin is from what I am told an equivalent addition to nicotine. And yes I guess that makes me an addict. :(
We are all addicts in one manner or another.
I did the Chantix thing for a while. At some point, I decided I was already crazy enough.
Thinking of you. As a child I suffered from asthma which I grew out of once I moved away from my father who was a chain smoker. I hated him coming near me but did not understand why. He had a heart attack at 66 and gave up but a 2nd attack 6 months later killed him. My mother never smoked but passive smoking gave her pulmonary fibrosis, a terrible slow way to die. Please persevere.
I don't know if this is an issue, but quitting cigarettes will make you much more attractive to nonsmokers.
It is very interesting for me to read that blog. Thanx for it. I like such themes and everything that is connected to them. I definitely want to read a bit more on that blog soon.
Kate Kuree
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